“Never regret a day in your life: good days give happiness, bad days give experience, worst days give lessons, and best days give memories.”
- (via psych-facts)
sometimes i become extraordinarily claustrophobic within the constrains of life.
this typically happens when i start thinking really hard about how absolutely vertical life is, and it almost always happens when i am driving. this can sink more deeply into societal functions and sociological impacts as well as concerns with space and time, but on a more surface level consideration, i become incredibly claustrophobic when i start to think about how, despite the grandiosity of the world, there are certain feelings, interactions, and experiences that are inescapable. life inevitably contains situations where you have no other means of management besides just living every single day and accepting your life at face value. this honestly freaks me out. it freaks me out that there is no other way to live life than by just living it sometimes. when this realization crawls up on me, my blood turns to lead and it feels like ivy is slowly growing in suffocating tangles up my arms. it feels like my brain has been placed in a box and buried alive, and my chest starts to compress as my airflow is restricted. sometimes life gives you exactly zero options for handling situations, and i cannot stand it when i realize there is literally no way out. these thoughts have never been suicidal, just exhaustingly existentialistic.
my whole life seems beleaguered by contradictory conundrums and i am never able to distinguish if this is a universal byproduct of humanity, or if i am experiencing an isolating and internal struggle. my suspicions are with the former, but i wonder if the degree of my concerns with my personal situations resides with the latter.
this is probably starting to sound horribly cliche.
i have come to realize i am a terrible conversationalist. i can’t tell if this is a quality that has deteriorated over time, if i have always been a terrible conversationalist, or if it’s a little bit of both. but i have definitely noticed it more prominently in recent years. which, in turn, has made me more self conscious when i am speaking to people, which then makes me even worse of a conversationalist. i trip up and slur words a lot, i speak too fast, and i steer conversations straight into the ground. my primary concern with this is that i love talking to people, and i have always loved talking to people. i love unearthing another person’s perspectives and getting into incredibly deep speculations about things both meaningful and incredibly mundane, but i never know how to produce these conversations, and i never know what questions to ask to steer conversations in these directions. because of these i end up making the conversation incredibly egocentric, and often circulatory and repetitive. i complain about things i don’t even care about, i tell the same stories over and over, and i am incredibly embarrassed by my own opinions for reasons i cannot even understand. sometimes i catch myself trying to anticipate and identify what the other person i am speaking with would want to hear, which makes my responses incredibly forced and insincere. it drives me crazy when i do that. and yet i do it all the time. the embarrassment i have for myself when i converse is often crippling. i find myself trying to avoid one-on-one conversations for the fear of sounding ridiculous, even though the only thing i want in this entire world is to connect with other people on a deeper level. it’s incredibly frustrating.
hand-in-hand with this, i get the inkling that i am incredibly annoying to be around, which is such a self-defeating trait to be aware of and yet something so incredibly difficult to correct, even though i am perpetually trying to remedy it. i put my foot in my mouth a lot. (figuratively, not literally, of course) i impulsively say things that are absolutely devoid of relevance for absolutely no reason at all, and - although i am aware as i am saying these things that they are incredibly stupid and pointless, AND keep trying to remind myself to just shut the fuck up for once - they come out anyway. it’s one of the worst cases of word vomit i have seen, and yet not even the strongest dose of self reflection has produced a cure. it’s incredibly frustrating.
i have so many compartmentalized feelings about things that i am unable to even begin to try to touch upon, and even though i want to be open with other people, i often feel i am so vehemently closed off. this is even worse because i know for a fact that i need people within my life and that i do better when i spend large amounts of time with people, especially the right people. i know for a fact when i actually do manage to bypass my inane chatter and unappealing word vomit and have a genuine conversation with someone else that i feel so incredibly refreshed. and yet, i find situations like these so few and far in-between that i wonder if there is something i am actively doing to sabotage myself without even being aware of it. it’s incredibly frustrating.
i am incredibly oblivious to almost all social cues and situational vibes within interactions that 99% of things go over my head or out the window. people often react to this negatively, which makes me feel terrible about my inability to comprehend things actively. it’s incredibly frustrating.
i have a lot of baggage and emotional weight that is so completely unnecessary and damaging to my well being. but i can’t seem to shed it, no matter how badly i want to feel differently. it’s incredibly frustrating.
these are things i am constantly and actively trying to change, but it feels like life boxes me in sometimes and then the claustrophobia kicks in. i wonder if the things in my life that seem immobile and unchangeable will ever actually work themselves out, if i will figure out a way to break through them myself, or my existentialistic haze will be a lifelong threat to my happiness as a whole.
but the one conclusion i always reach despite all else, is that living life can be frustrating. but it’s definitely better than the alternative.
“I feel like an annual $1 tax that goes to fund a wrap-up episode for TV shows that get cancelled is legislation I’d get behind”
😭 Jurassic Park will always be one of my, if not my most, favorite movies. Hearing Richard Attenborough say “welcome to Jurassic Park” will never get old for me